My Doomed Youth

Mi Corazon

2006-08-09T23:08:00.000+08:00

So I owe my readers one heartfelt apology - for my lack of commitment to this blog. School's been hectic and I've been busy attending to my personal matters. Anyway, it's national day today, so happy birthday Singapore, although i haven't exactly been the epitome of patroitism or nationalistic loyalty. And my pop's birthday is tomorrow, I pray that I do nothing to agitate or frustrate him. Trust me, I have a knack for doing that. It's this uncontrollable compulsive behaviour which I wish, wasn't the case.

Festival of Praise was awesome. It was spiritually exhilarating and Don Moen has got to be one of the greatest Christian musicians ever. His pieces were flawless and professionally executed ; the audience couldn't ask for more, except maybe an encore? I'm considering buying his album, it should be well worth the dough. Okay nuff propaganda.

Mom was right, people come and go all the time. It's an inevitable cycle, and it's your call on whether it's good or bad. I guess I've decided to live for the moment and if something makes me happy, I'd do it even if it was wrong in the third party's eyes. Maybe I have been living a life trying to please the people around me, and now I've decided to live one solely for myself. Self-absorbed? Selfish? But we all are, it only depends on the degree.

The haters, you guys can stray behind and I'd still move along with or without your support. All I need is one quality friend who will follow me rain or shine and I'm good to go. It's absurd to measure friendship by the numerical figures and not by the degree of the relationship.

I'm starting to enjoy my youth and cliche but, I wish I could be forever young. In my opinion, life is at its climax and peak at this age. We are most of the time, void of serious illnesses or problems during our days of youth. I've managed to settle down in yj despite its bumpy road and I've met people who are worth meeting, some leaving indelible footprints in your life. In any case, their friendship and support are detrimental to my journey in the school, and although it's a well known fact that people come and go, I wish that time would stand still, even if it was only for a while.

These are the days worth living.

The Flame - Cheap Trick

2006-07-08T01:38:00.000+08:00

Watching shadows move across the wall feels so fright'ning
I wanna run to you, I wanna call, but I've been hit by lightning
Just can't stand up for falling apart
Can't see through this veil across my heart over you
You'll always be the one
You were the first, you'll be the last

Wherever you go I'll be with you
Whatever you want I'll give it to you
Whenever you need someone to lay your heart and head upon
Remember after the fire after all the rain
I will be the flame

Wrong Move

2006-07-08T01:32:00.000+08:00

I allowed those venemous emotions get the best of me today. Sorry Nirmal for the numerous words mix-up and my dazed attitude. You were more than right, girls are nothing but a bundle of trouble. Just look at the quicksand Dinesh and I have gotten ourselves into.

I have reached the crossroads and neither of the paths seem to have anything attractive to offer me.

Update, I received my abysmal literature block test results and scraped through by the skin of my teeth. This might be the only subject that I actually pass judging by the lack of effort put into the others. My term one progress report stinks like rotten eggs too, which makes me ponder, what am I even doing here in the first place?

Previously, I was actually looking forward for the OBS camp due to the many positive comments I heard from others. Until I found out that you have to dig holes to answer nature's call (solid or liquid form), and you would be restrained from showering for about 3 days. I think I'm starting to have second thoughts.

Ben - How could you insinuate notions regarding my heterosexuality based on other individuals linked via my friendster account? Have you forgotten what Mr S used to say? "Now class, that is an assumption." Or maybe you left for Melbourne leaving everything from yj behind. That aside, I'm sorry I didn't exactly give you the best farewell a buddy should have, but the present speaks for itself right? I wish you all the best in your endeavours at Aussie and the next time we meet up, do tell me that you've enrolled as a student in the UNImelb. Meanwhile, for the love of god, please refrain from being distracted by the campus's sizzling gym, and stop 'helping" hot aussie chicks pick up their change so you can "accidentally" look up their mini-skirts.

You're not worth it. Somehow, I wish I had never seen you.

Tense Episode - Part 1

2006-07-06T17:17:00.000+08:00

And this might be the most dramatic entry of mine for the moment.

I haven't been to that page for a good whole month and today, I decided to re-visit it again for the most peculiar reasons. Actually, I forced myself to stay away for the whole month due to many unexplainable circumstances. And after that "quarantine", I'm back to square one, or somewhere in the vicinity to be precise.

Does small talk and amateurish comments mean so much to eradicate the good friendship or whatever you call it we once had? I know humans are vulnerable and not void of emotions. That's why the perceptions of others, somehow, do affect us in a way or another. But if this was more important than all the ballocks others say and if it could dominate the situation, then would this outcome of ours still be inevitable? God only knows.

Okay, so maybe that's not the sole reason. But from my experience and judgement of knowing you well enough, that IS in fact, the most detrimental factor as to why we are now strangers on a busy street.

That scene today really distracted me and destroyed my concentration level. You buy your drink in front of me and when you decide to change your mind about the preference of drink, you turn behind, nearly bump into me, then blatantly say in the most diplomatic manner "I'm sorry."

The more someone tries to salvage, the worse the damage becomes. So I'm supposed to sit back, relax, and patiently await for that miracle to drop in front of me. About a day ago, I presumed things were resolved. Keyword : presumed.

You were the diligent one who fervently reminded me to do my assignments and what not, you were my first friend in that wretched place. Maybe you forgot that, but i didn't.

On a much lighter note, an eyebrow-raising event occured yesterday when I was in the bus interchange. This lady in her mid-30s came up to me and saw me using my cell. She asked if I could do her a favour and send a text for her. Naturally, I obliged not knowing the content of the message she intended to send.

"Robin, I'm left with ten dollars. I take money from my parents but now they want me take it from someone else or to look for a job, whatever job i is. But I don't feel well so I'm resting for a while and looking after the child. Because we must give John John cash everyday, how? I'm not crazy. You are enjoying now and also eat good food. I have only eaten one fruit the whole day because I gave the child all the cash. I will fetch John John later and he will call you tomorrow. What business are you doing? We have been together for eighteen years, why are you treating me this way?"

I was intending to have a nice long nap in the 45 minute bus journey after my tennis training and guess what? I was Uncle Agony for the whole journey throughout because she squeezed next to me and started pouring out her troubles like a loudspeaker to this 18 year old kid who knows nuts about marital issues. The folks on the bus glared at me in curiosity - they must have thought it was insane seeing a middle-aged lady talking to a kid about marriage problems. But anyway, to this lady wherever she is, if your issues are credible, then I hope that you find a light at the end of your tunnel.

For Dad

2006-06-18T00:20:00.000+08:00

"Honour your father and mother...that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth."
Ephesians 6:2-3

I am flawed with my imperfections but I know you will never neglect your duties as a father. We've been through countless of rough patches and stinging nettles. I've breached the 5th commandmant upteen times. I've been rebuked by you my whole life. All these negativity makes it seem as if Father's Day itself is a redundant celebration. But, I'm fully aware of the numerous sacrifices you've made for me. How you would scrimp on yourself to make my life any time more luxurious than yours. I thank you for that wholeheartedly, and I'm sorry for the letdowns. All's said and done, its your special day now. Happy father's day, dad.

And to my other father in heaven, it is through Your presence that my insignificant life is made possible. You are a father to all creation and on behalf of mankind, Happy father's day. I would exchange all of me for all of You.

Food for thought : Hypocrisy
A hypocrite is someone who is pretending, who is playing a role to impress others than being real, not living by his convictions and pretending in order to fit in. Now that's deep, something worth pondering over.

Impression

2006-06-11T14:54:00.000+08:00

It's been a while. Emerge Conference 2006's Parade of School was a remarkable experience and I'm definitely honoured to have been a part of it. I vividly recall it being a fine and dandy thursday, I had nothing on in my schedule and thus decided to follow Gary for a POS practice held at the stadium. Participating in it was a far cry from being the first on my list. I can safely say that it has been my utmost priviledge to be part of 2006's POS jc cluster and I look forward to being a part of the next year's jc cluster, just that this time, I would sign up on my own accord.

So the block tests are approximately a month from now and let's see what "progress" I have made so far. Apart from math tuition and the pathetic holiday lessons in school, I have been bumming around, getting caught up in the swirls of the World Cup. If you must know, it is the french and the samba magicians that I'm rooting for. I do have a burning question though - Where are the Greeks and Danes? In the previous Euro Cup, the Greeks shocked the soccer world and stole the limelight from the home-ground Portugese . The Danes have a relatively decent footballing history. Apparently, World Cup newbies Australia and the US have managed to qualify for the finals. I would be completely enthralled to see how far they would go.

In a way, I entrusted the public with the opportunity to tag in a civilised and professional manner but as usual, the world is an ugly place. I am not the least offended by personal attacks or snide remarks whatsoever because I know, such have yet to seek salvation. Although I find it hard to fathom how some can run their mouth without linking it to brain cells, I choose to remain indifferent and forgive the dysfunctional and intellectually challenged. You have my utmost sympathy and I hope your endeavours in life are blessed and positive.

Oh and p.s, the next time, perchance we meet, it'll be delightful to know if you've learnt how to differentiate between a fake louis vuitton and the real deal. Its really embarrassing to get some facts wrong on the world wide web, thank god you remained anonymous, I'd be appalled to know the truths behind the masquerade.

May the devil in you subside through the wonders of Him

Eclipse

2006-05-15T22:19:00.000+08:00

Are jc friends merely fair-weathered friends whom you sluggishly spend the next 2 years of your youth with? And after the major exams, bid farewell and disappear into the mists of obscurity? It'll be comforting to know if there was anyone out there who begs to differ.

Different walks of life, we come together as if planned, in a school which figuratively, is considered our second home until graduation. The bonds are weak and frail, easily-succumbed to destruction. Too many different ideologies, too little people with broad perspectives.

Then there are the hypocrites. Truth is, everyone practises hypocrisy to a certain extent despite how 'angelic' the person might seem to be. They smile endearingly at you with exuberant waves as if they have been waiting to catch a glimpse of your priceless face for decades, then later, disdainfully make cynical, rile and snide comments which could possibly have a slandering effect on you. The ironic part is that you learn of their actual perception of you less than a day later.

Next are the self-centered fuckers who refuse to 'bend the rules' or share their notes with you only to save their sorry ass at the end of the day. They have the worst amateur excuses when being approached for help. What's hilarious is, how they invest all their effort in striving ridiculously hard academically, only to have some smarty pants effortlessly beat them at their own game.

Lastly, you have the immature juveniles assuming that they know-it-all. They lack all form of professionalism in attempting to convey a message across to their desired recipient. Instead, they reform to using methods like making comments based on absolutely no proper grounds whatsoever, and glare at you in angst, hoping to initiate an uncivil dogfight. This makes me ponder, how did some people even end up in jc? Cream of the crop in the society? Exaggeratedly overrated. Its more ballocks from the backside than cells from the brain.

Retrospectively, my few months in yj has been a turbulent ride. You should see the kind of characters we have down here. I'd give anything for the indelible experience, and yet, at the same time, give anything to pass.

Crooked souls tryin' to stay up straight, dry ice in the pourin' rain.

Fact or Fiction

2006-05-06T14:07:00.000+08:00

For someone like myself who takes an interest in astrology...

Your True Love Is a Sagittarius

Why you'll love a Sagittarius:

Deep and philosophical, you'll love getting lost in hours of conversation with your Sag.

Your Sagittarius is curious and adventurous enough to keep you interested... not an easy task!

Why a Sagittarius will love you:

You're passionate about a few important issues, a kind of depth that Sagittarius finds very attractive.

You're outgoing, flexible, and up for almost anything. You and your Sag will have tons of adventures together.

What Sign Is Your True Love?

Take the quiz, and you might be appalled at the result just like I am now.

M:I:4

2006-05-06T00:19:00.000+08:00

Of all the shit that happens, yj's promotional criteria has to be tougher than others. Daily work is being taken into account too - I'm more than screwed. I honestly can't recall when was the last time I genuinely sat down to complete a given assignment. I'm not leaving the rickety ol' place at the ancient age of 20.

There is an exorbitant amount of assholes out there and its just my luck I meet about half of the douchebags in my school. Its disheartening to be aware of the snide remarks blatantly being made even when you're in the perimeter. What are the intentions? Is there some hidden agenda that I'm not aware of? Or maybe, ironically, the school isn't giving enough assignments to slavedrive these fuckers to fatigue. Get real and desist being prudes, you're still greenhorns to life, we all are.

Had I known earlier, I would have wanted out. Jc cost me my life with you. No doubt, I've made quality friendships and gained some invaluable experience, but you're not on the same track with me. We've swerved to different lanes of the road and as much as I try to deter the inevitable outcome, time restraints me. The days act as a catalyst, as you slowly fade into oblivion. From someone of great importance, I have been degraded to an angsty enemy of yours that you cannot wait to exterminate. 5 days. The deadline draws near. I have yet to prove any concrete evidence of my efforts to pick the pieces up. Suddenly, the world seems to revolve around at a rapid velocity. I can't keep up if you refuse to wait for me.

Deception

2006-04-25T21:43:00.000+08:00

I look at you with the utmost disdain. That look on your face this morning potrayed it all. I know I haven't exactly been a contribution to your institute or the typical ace student. We all do respect, I don't deserve your ostracism or false accusations. You've done sufficient damage to tarnish the bleak image I have remaining. False hopes are what you've created. And to think I looked up to you as a mentor. You had enough superiority in your power to stick out your neck, but unfortunately, I assume, your obese paycheck restrained you.

As for the restless and immature ones, I don't give two hoots about your pile of ballocks. You can add your two cents share to matters which does not concern you. But if you look at your reflection, you'll realise how imperfect you are. Only God chooses the saints. Its not your call. I'd be extremely appalled by your conduct if you were involved in religion. I can only part with a word of advice : Live by faith and not by sight.

Odds End

2006-04-23T01:02:00.000+08:00

So close and yet so far - this statement applies to many events. As expected, the underdogs remained under the tables, nothing eyebrow-raising. Yjc's tennis team is finally out of the 'A' Division, after a hasty trashing from the spotlighted ACJC. It was such a fruitful experience for rookies like myself. I beat myself up once again for slothing away last year. Damn, I coulda been there.

After attending a missionary school for 11 years, certain values have been instilled. That sense of belonging and identity can only be found in non-neighbourhood jcs. Truth is, I am a miserable schoolboy who has lost his way in foreign lands. I miss walking past those religious emblems and statues. I miss those prayers which starts the morning off on a positive note. I miss knowing that God blesses me.

And so He said "Ask and you shall receive." Then again, He added "Take that one step and I'll take the rest for you." I have obviously failed to start the ball rolling. I am not exactly the epitome of academic scholarship, professional athletics or brilliant aesthetics. Which is the very vile reason how I landed myself in a "dilapidated", cold jc which feels like it lacks all presence of God. Its such a paradox, that at times I'd like to categorize myself as someone with an abundance of such skills. What God gave to me is substantial, it only does not suffice for admission into ....

She was standing less than two steps away. There was something intriguing about her. One of those mysteries that compells you to try and solve. Fate fell short this time. My refusal to acknowledge the dead end keeps me hanging over the ledge. I left the gates pondering, what if I had opened my mouth? The difference in calibre would have mattered. Its a compulsive behaviour that I myself, am guilty of. The team getting whacked in the butt 5 nil wasn't exactly aiding the situation either. Life's certainly not a bed of roses. Now, that's just too bad isn't it?

Now you see it, now you don't.

Bright Spectrum

2006-04-15T03:33:00.000+08:00

The wayward days have slipped through my fingers. Lets hope that its a permanent scenario which intends to stay. Gone are the days where I covet the unworthy. So now its you, then there's me. You and me is a fiasco of the yesterday's peril. I must admit, wrong place, wrong time. Oh and wrong state of mind.

So blindfold's off, standing before me, flesh and blood of mediocrity. Unique? Hmmm... Entrapping? Booby traps maybe. One of a kind? Must have been blind.

Hugh Hefner's mansion is the next destination. Manipulated puppet has finally found his cranium. The prodigal boy has come to his senses that certain flowers are poisonous, and aren't meant for the picking. Be my guest, I've called it quits.

The worthy do not need to flaunt their worth. Its the unworthy who fail to see life's worth. I enjoyed every bit of the adrenaline moment that kept me intrigued, but ride's over and its time to get off. Life calls for much more, encores aren't neccessary. Every experience is significant in its own way, I want all of it. Take a bow.

Alice grew up, so did Wonderland.

Unripe

2006-04-14T00:33:00.000+08:00

I saw the devil's advocate coming, yet I succumbed and failed to restrain. So I glance back hoping to find the 'undo' tool. He must have His reasons for the obstacles placed in my path. Is my walk of faith crumbling into an inevitable destruction derby? By Your blood you wash away the deadly sins into the abyss

You were the only one standing, keeping me away from the brink of insanity and delirium. By my impulsive actions, I closed the doors on you, shutting you away. I bit the hands that fed me. I stepped on the roses in my own garden. Aware of the repercussions and possible outcomes, I continue remaining indifferent and reckless, concerning myself with ridiculous notions.

I've come to a conclusion that I am extremely adept at sweeping the dust under the carpets. Hide-and-seek is only a temporary solution. I've yet to come up with solid strategems. Gifts are usually for the receivers to keep eternally, except for the gift of vitality. Which unfortunately happens to be the most valuable sought-after gift. Priviledges can be retracted as long as the giver is supreme in the hierarchy and you are the insignificant maggot.

The most imbecile act would be that you wear my shoes. Something which you cannot comprehend. Complying is your answer to everything. Why not, you conveniently hit the sack with a light heart and clear mind, while I suffer the dead of the night pondering over the terms you laid on my table. A meagre amount of grace would have sufficed. Clearly, it was too tedious a task for you to handle.

That was one helluva ride.

Shapeshifter

2006-04-09T14:46:00.000+08:00

And so he left his vast riches, wealth and comfort in search of something meaningful ; worthwhile. I'd take the long and winding road to nowhere, just to find that bend, if there was even one.

Its karma. "Do unto others as you would do so to yourself." Yet I find myself engulfed in sheer defiance. The weather of late has been unpredictable, a direct comparison to myself these past few days. Why won't you take that risk? Its a dreadful repitition which goes around in a vicious cycle. How uncanny, that I should leave the seat reserved specially for me, for another seat which might not necessarily be available. I am appalled at my own conduct, seeing how I entrust my happiness in foreign hands. I am therefore no saint and retract my previous judgements on involved parties. Being entrapped in such scenarios gives me the birds' eye view and I am hasty to ammend my views. No doubt, it is my prerogative to move the tokens on the board, but what if the grass was greener on square one? Purge my sin.

4 am. My "endearing" GP teacher calls for me to finish my proposal before his lesson commences later. I wish I had continued my journey in Neverland. Being awake takes a toll on my severed self. The pangs of pain strike consecutively. Its so much easier to breakdown and allow tears to dominate. Lucky for those who are able to execute that emotion. I'm just jealous.

We, often are the very creators of our own catastrophies. I see the strong resemblance it has to my state of mind at the moment. Unbelievable, that I made my own choice on the paths. Yet the dissatisfaction and ramblings make it seem that I was no culprit. I had unknowingly turned the tables to my direction, without an accomplice.

Skip A Beat

2006-03-22T23:20:00.000+08:00

When the cirriculum's swan song arrives, I am probably one of the firsts to dash out of those main gates. To have a broad perspective and give the dangy place the benefit of the doubt, it isn't exactly a bad learning environment. It can be rather conducive with the sane people who lurk with me.

What a learning experience - I've met the first anal rentative lecturer who happens to be my civics tutor. What was the time frame again? 2 years? I feel myself evolving into an anal queer too.

Assignments, tutorials, its a vicious cycle. Then there's chinese language which only degrades myself as a chinese because of my futile attempts to speak coherently to the chinese lecturer. And not to mention that amateur essay of a juvenile. Trust me, it is ghastly enough to wake Mao Zedong from the dead to send me for the traditonal execution.Oh and I'm the chinese rep. in class as so to speak. How convenient.

You separate the catastrophies and blessings altogether. In this dillusional world I find serenity in you. You are my living evidence that the good lord blesses me. I can surture up the wounds in this flawed world with your unconditonal love.

Raw Nerve

2006-03-21T23:04:00.000+08:00

Rumors and slander spread like wildfire. All the "why" questions which depict absurdity, and since when was I a national table-tennis player? I hope my exhibition of the tennis racquet clears matters up. It has only been the 2nd official day of school and yet tongues wag like exuberant tails. Exclude me from all these amatuerism and trash talk, I refuse to acknowledge rile comments which lack the sensitivity and maturity factor. Channel all that energy into your academics and aesthetics, or read up on the Holy Bible, it will enlight people like you or at least insert some humanity into your wretched ; disturbed soul.

Unless you want to comment that I am some Don Juan or Debonair for that matter, only sensible and civic issues are the ones I will positively respond to. I abhor having to mention, but for starters, none of you are half as exteriorly inclined as I am, so do pick on others of your own calibre. I, certainly do not fall into your type of category.

As for the fugly homme, I doubt you can find another half like mine. Alas, a jc which will never be able to tempt me in an immoral manner, only because majority of its occupants lack all form of substance. The quantity overrides the quality tremendously, and I can only detest myself for not sowing enough seeds last year.

You vile underdogs, know where you stand on the podium. Grotesque attitudes of the unworthy mob.

Fiasco

2006-03-20T01:10:00.000+08:00

Learning is most definitely a lifelong experience which knows no boundaries. Just when I was starting to get all smug and cocky, Emerge Conference 2006 Spelling Bee put me back in my place. It was then that it dawned on me that there was no such person called a "walking dictionary".

When expectations of yourself are steeply inclined, the disappointment rate increases at the same time. Hopefully, through God's grace I don't classify as such a victim. Fruitless attempts to battle against fate resulted in an "armageddon". All those dreams of an adolescent were dashed as the deadlines came to pass. To no avail were my countless appeals to numerous targets. Guess the administrative staff reckoned that I hadn't a vast amount of talent or contribution to offer. Bummer.

Pacifism is the only way out to drown the sorrow. Fortunately, neighbourhood school civilians are generally a tad friendlier and hospitable than the pompous; uppity class who shun the "commoners" like lepers. And at times, I am guilty at my own statement. Terribly contradicting in a shameful way. May the lord show His enlightenment.

The principal is such a kind and demure old lady. Thank you, its been such a priviledge.

Looking for answers, only to find a pit brimmed with questions.

Living Past

2006-02-21T02:56:00.001+08:00

There is so much I could tell you. Virtually impossible to string it in words. I wish half of me could travel back in time, I swear I would have cherished it more than I did before. I would have done something radical enough to make you stay. Its a rare opportunity that once in your lifetime, you meet someone who manages to captivate your attention, and leave their footprints behind.

Today was dreadful. I was being taken on a rollercoaster ride that pumped adrenaline in the most negative of ways. I left the ride bitter, filled with the type of stubborn pain that rooted itself firmly on me. If I could illustrate a portrait of myself, it would be me walking with dark clouds and rain pouring above my head. Ignorance is kind, a pity I wasn't spared. If living in putrid lies drew rainbows, then may I find that pot of gold.

Others may beg to differ when it comes to opinions, but I enjoy living in this fantasy whereby my eyes see an enchanting, kind, image of you. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and I choose to dismiss all the surface-flaws that I fail to see. You might be the one I have been searching to find, but in a series of unfortunate events, I missed out on that chance that was given to me, a long, time ago. Fretting is pointless, I need to hear you, so walking out of that door isn't an option. Alas, someone worthy enough to steal the limelight through pure means. Behind that defensive camouflage, I'm affirmative that there is some part of you that will eventually let go.

Call me an ignorant fool, but I'd lock myself in an asylum if I failed to make you see... I love you, my friend, I really do. If I hadn't committed myself earlier, I never would have allowed myself to let you slip away. Shutting the world into another dimension, you look wonderful, tonight.

Blooded Rose

2006-02-19T01:11:00.000+08:00

You are perfect, flawless and a ravishing beauty in my eyes. Just that I have failed to make you aware of it. I try my best to please and accommodate, but sometimes its just exhausting. I feel fatigued from all these petty troubles. School will start in approximately a month, I can't keep up with this, its simply too exasperating. At times, I feel as though I am in need of Aunt Agony's services. Listening ears are scarce.

Today I witnessed a heated fight between an elderly man and a middle-aged bloke. Cops and paramedics were called in. What a bloody sight. The frail old man who was shabbily dressed was hurling verbal abuse at the younger man in dialect. The fight sparked only when the old man insanely decided to jab him in the face. He picked up the old man like an insolent child and smashed his boney body onto the cement floor. Tables and chairs were thrown like shot-putts all over the area. I could hardly believe my eyes seeing the pride-filled old man struggle and finally stagger away. And by hearing the dialogue, it seems that the old man had watched the younger man grow up. This incident has confirmed that, to me, humanity has died. By the time the rapture arrives, all these foolishness shall be burned like ashes, buried 6 foot underground.

I will salvage until I exhaust all my energy resources. And if that day does arrive, then I will understand that it isn't meant to be. Tears carry no value. They are merely weak emotions executed by men who have failed. Drop blooded tears, if I can. Like how He bled for us. Summer has gone, fading into oblivion.

The Not-So Grande Finale

2006-02-18T01:15:00.000+08:00

In this wretched world I have managed to stumble upon the act of kindness. My new road bike - a tragedy in disguise. Or maybe I'm simply a hard-headed amateur rider. Grazed knees and horrid blue-blacks, I am your new friendly neighbourhood cripple. Never in my life I have had trouble putting on some socks, or taking them off for that matter. But you know what they say, there's always a first time for everything.

I thought money had consumed the people of the world, generally. This nearby clinic proved me wrong. I merely wanted some tissue to wipe the blood flowing down my knees. Yes, I turned heads for the wrong reasons. I was given pieces of gauze and to my surprise, she insisted that I go inside for some dressing. Such humanitarian acts are extinct, I am relieved to know that in a pile of thorns, there is a rose. I won't forget this, thank you.

As for my long-anticipated results, bummer. 2 particular subjects which I had placed hopes in, they dashed my dreams. Oh well,so its off to a junior college which sadly, isn't the one of my choice. I learnt that you don't always achieve what you want, and failures have to be taken in strides - it will be the only way you don't get stuck in quick sand. I will comfort myself with the thought that I still have a shot at the more-important A levels. Hopefully, the culture there is one that I can accustom myself to. Screwing up is not an option, its a crime.

On the subject of world affairs, I don't agree with the European political cartoons which insult the Middle Eastern's holy Prophet. However, one should never resort to violence or terrorism either. It would be great if amicable methods were practised. This fickle and sensitive world has yet to learn perfection. Virtually, impossible.

Would you rather face death or be put behind bars your whole life? Personally, I choose death. It is such a pity that the members of the Bali 9 are youths who COULD have had a bright prospect if they conformed to laws. Imagine, an 18 year old youth being sentenced to lifetime imprisonment. It means being trapped in a vicious black hole forever, with absolutely no way out. I guess its human nature not to consider the repercussions and only wake up when the harshness of reality strikes.

Cupid's day just passed and after stepping out of my younger days, I tend to think that everything about the 14th of February are mere sales gimmicks for the commerce sector. Costly gifts, posh restaurants and ridiculously-priced roses - all part of a masquerade. If you were happy and blissful with your loved one everyday, everyday's Valentine's Day. And a real one too.

Disfunctional Fire Crackers

2006-01-29T00:39:00.000+08:00

The Chinese New Year reunion dinner with my family is always the best dinner. Fancy and lush restaurants couldn't hold a candle to it. The dinner is always self-cooked - right down to the chilli sauce. Well, at least it beats having an aimless dinner with people who don't give two hoots about you.

Its wonderful that the economy is picking up its pieces bit by bit. I recall the last few Chinese New Years' to be rather gloomy and pathetic. It was the year 2004, I was on my way in a taxi. The driver wished me and a couple of minutes later, he was ranting and raving about how unhappy Chinese New Year looks. Later, he started accusing the local government for its "corrupt ministers". He probably was having many issues and when people are trapped in troubled waters, they always look for something or someone to blame as a scapegoat. The truth hurts and its always good to take it out on someone I guess.

Is the Singapore educational system a failure? I have heard many disturbing comments about students' English O-level essays being a failure, and its source is coming from the British markers. It seems that the local candidates have failed to write quality essays and if not for the Singapore Ministry of Education officials moderating the results, many would fail the English Language. Ok then it'll be logical to think that since English isn't the country's forte, then maybe Chinese is? ABSOLUTELY NOT. Judging from what I have witnessed, maybe Singlish or Hokkien bad words are what most are comfortable with. I am completely stigmatized to know that many think Singlish is purely alright, and maybe even comical. To me its just like a bad hair day - downright embarrassing. Sometimes the media indirectly promotes Singlish by producing tv programs where all the characters use Singlish fervently. Little did they realise that the only ones being made mockeries are us. Sure, the foreigner or expat. may chuckle and seem entertained, but you'll never know that you might have just degraded yourself terribly.

Its 1 am and the first day of Chinese New Year. I send my condolences to those who are forced to spend the festive season alone due to recent catastrophies. I am unable to comprehend how wretched that feels, only because God has blessed me thoroughly with a warm family and His endearing love.

Boney and haggard, she sat alone on the cold, round marble table staring into the abyss. It was as if all light had disappeared in the hollow room. The once brightly-coloured shoes that piled the doorway was simply a black and white memory. Only a tattered welcome mat left, inviting delirium.

Stigmatized

2006-01-19T22:26:00.000+08:00

Cool it now. The 10 minute journey home on the public bus was mentally excruciating ; a downright torment. Ugly Singaporeans have crossed their border today. The ignominious side of my country.

I'm not the misfit kind of guy who bothers to comment on the petty lives of others. But under such circumstances, I simply knuckle under pressure and see the need to share my painful experience. Firstly, I was already suffering from a headache. Anonymous loudmouth girl simply had to gibber away on her cell with the loudest of voices. I tell you, it was the most bimbotic conversation ever. I'm no sexist, but I'm sure girls have more intelligent areas to converse about yeah?

Nope. It wasn't an intellectual well-mannered lady who spoke of current affairs or how treacherous the world is today. I wish. My psp's girly man speakers could not stop her highly-excitable voice droning away in the background. I'd strongly recommend a dose of testosterone to lower that shrill sound projected by her. I had a headache. I sat in front of her. Go figure!

Attempts to press my earphones deeper in was to no avail. Therefore I had to succumb to her ear-splitting conversation and feel my temples pounding painfully. I haven't touched on the worst part yet - the conversation was incoherent and in a ghastly mixture of english and chinese. Besides, who washes their dirty linen in public? Finally, I understand the meaning of "language campaigns" organised by the government. One thing's for sure, if I have kids, mannerism and etiquette are top notch priority. The thought of verbal disorder can be such a turn off, I can already feel my brains rotting from the insides.

Talk about noise pollution.

Necromancer

2006-01-17T18:21:00.000+08:00

Woke up at 6.20 a.m today. After much desperation to sink into sleep again, I finally relented. Its the fault of bad dreams again. I can vividly recall what was occuring in my dream, the plethora of images still flash as I relate my story on the world wide web. I dreamt that I could barely even qualify for the Polytechnic. Sheesh.

Dreams arrive in such a queer manner too. The results are due on the 9th of February. However in my dream my parents did some appealing and I received my results solo in a shabby, gloomy office room with navy-blue curtains from this anonymous lady on the 8th instead. ???

The last time I dreamt about the results, all my relatives were sitting in a circle passing my result slip around. Then my aunt exclaimed that I did VERY well. It was 20 points. What the hell.

Man, the 9th of February had better come quick. These ridiculous dreams are eating me out. But waking up at the early-bird-time has its pros. I got my lazy ass to the track and did some running, then switched to the pool for a morning swim. And damn I tell ya, the water was freeeezzziiin cold.

Then I overheard some lifeguard's conversation with this middle-aged guy about visiting temples to pray in hope to strike the lottery. I'm confused. Cos' in terms of Christianity, when you have the audacity to pray for such things, you're testing God. Well maybe I'm a newbie when it comes to understanding Buddhism's culture.

Dangerous Dream

2006-01-12T01:32:00.000+08:00

Haunting was that night
Blurred mind, hazy sight.
Lust embroils within
Birth of an unholy sin.

Dishevelled thoughts hovering in repetition
Tarnished, my reputation.
Indifferent are you
Naturally, nothing new.

Unaware of the growing curse
Patiently waiting for the purge.
Consumed into invisible fantasies
Stagnant are the memories.

Absurd I am
Evolution of a neurotic man.
Indulging in hopeless dreams
Circling on an empty screen.

By : Andrew

Distasteful Lust

2006-01-10T17:50:00.000+08:00

The 7 deadly sins of man :
-Envy
-Lust
-Gluttony
-Sloth
-Anger
-Pride
-Covet

In a twist of fate, unexpected scenes occured. I question myself why. I attempt to deter myself from falling into the black hole. Its hard. Temptation is rampant. I can already pick out several reasons on how wrong it is. Things complicate further when I can't tell. Hush.

Who will lend that listening ear to something like this. Morally, wrong. I want to practice what I preach. Lord please, show me the light at the end of the tunnel. The exterior really does count huh. I succumb to fate that I am, afterall, a superficial and shallow bastard.

Never giving you that second glance before. For years, you were just, you. Period.

One dreadful night, tides turned. They keep swirling above my head like blood-thirsty vultures. And the angelic side of me says no, help yourself, dismiss that ridiculous thought swiftly. Then the devilish side of me makes the yearning stronger. Let the truth be known and that already bleak friendship would simply shatter. I thought I had more respect and morality than to let myself be entrapped within these fantasies.

Virtually, impossible. You were always.

I stared at you in the noisy, smoky room. The neon lights flickered continuously. In foreign arms you were, swaying with rythmic beat. Not a second did I blink. Sitting on the barstool and questioning myself "what in the world are you thinking?" Little did I realise that facts couldn't hold a candle to the heart's hidden powers.

Invasion of The Tissue Paper

2006-01-05T01:54:00.000+08:00

Wheeze. Cough. Sneeze. Its the time of the month this weakling allows the flu virus to penetrate the immune system. At times I ponder if my lifestyle and eating habits are considered to be negatively unhealthy. Mom and Dad hit the bullseye again. "Wait and see, you take ill at least once a month". And I still dismissed their thoughts labelling them as "paranoid health fanatics". Damn.

As I type away on the keyboard, my lungs expand and contract uncomfortably, producing a wheezing sound. How absurd, but I miss breathing like a normal being. Fortunately, my girlfriend left her extra inhaler at my place which does help to contain the wheezing. My family does not have a record of asthma, but my mom said that records are not a guarantee for omission of illnesses. Help.

I should have consumed those vitamins obediently to boost my immune system. But no. I assumed that I was 'iron-man' and the word "sick" wasn't in my metallic dictionary. Now, "iron man" has liquidated and broken down. All cos' of sheer defiance and a numbskull attitude.

The waste paper basket is ridiculously piled up with soiled tissues. The amount of new tissue boxes are drastically decreasing because of heavy usage. The once-full Clarinase and Panadol boxes in the cupboards are now left with a meagre amount of capsules...And the list goes on, you get the jist.

To think that if I had payed proper attention to my health all this trouble could have been saved. I'm supposed to be going on a cruise in two days. MUST...GET...WELL...SOON...

Black Carpet

2006-01-01T17:36:00.000+08:00

Humans are so vulnerable. Its hard to understand how swift death is. Nature maintains its supremacy and when its time to be called by the lord, the going is inevitable. It is only in the Nether World that we shall find eternal peace. Rid of Earth's sufferings, rid of all pain. God probably has other plans for us after we finish our work on Earth.

We finally usher in year 2006. A happy new year to one and all. Time to sing Auld Land Syne, time to grab a pen and paper to write down those new year resolutions, most importantly, time to forgive all those who sinned against us.

I wonder what year 2006 has in store for me. Come what may. I know the new year has its own surprises embedded within the 365 days.

Days of youth are slowly fading away. In a blink of an eye, I'll be rocking on an old armchair reminiscing about my younger days. And in a while's time, I'll be breathing my last few breaths wondering if I made my stay on Earth a successful one. Hopefully when that time comes, I would leave with no regrets or worries. The worst way to pass on is to have a weighted heart or unfinished dreams.

Sorry I judged you. It would be piercing to know that this is the image I had of you.But no, I'm wrong. I'm always wrong. Lost that part of me. We'll make it through. We will. We will. Adieu.

Tis' The Season To Be Flabby

2005-12-27T18:04:00.000+08:00

This vicious world may take everything away from you - your wealth, your loved ones, your pets etc. But your education and God is something that cannot be seized. Over the years, all your experience as a human, all your knowledge and wisdom is something that will follow till' you breathe your last breath.

An over-confident and hasty girl with a deranged mind made a very immature comment on a friend's blog - Education doesn't maketh a man, so what if you're smart?

I stand strong on my opinion that in this dog-eat-dog world, education is what counts. That harmless piece of paper could allow you to attain great heights, and be a somebody in the society. We are no longer living the days of the 50s-80s where you could hope that lady luck shines and you miraculously "made it big".

Now you could debate and retaliate by saying that in the entertainment and sports industry, education is not compulsory. In particular reference to Singapore, its quite impossible to strike gold by having this fantasy of being an entertainer or athlete. Yes, actors and sportsmen do make a decent living out of their jobs. But I'm talking about rubbing shoulders with the likes of David Beckham or some Hollywood star who rolls in dollar notes. Correct me if I'm wrong. If education doesn't make a man, then why does the Singapore government spend exorbitant amounts of money in the education sector? Why is it made compulsory that every child is entitled to a Primary School education or his/her parents could be put behind bars? Its grotesque to think that education isn't a key to a better future. Unless you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth or your parents opened a bank account for you that would last a lifetime. Then these people don't exactly deserve much credit because they are no far better than a worthless airhead. You gotta make it on your own. Start from scratch. Then what you reaped will be based on your own ability, and not by being some leech.

We drank, we ate and we made merry. All that's left is that beer belly and love handles. How about discounts on a personal trainer. The turkey, rich foods and booze are taking their toll. New year, new fat.

Sweet Agony

2005-12-25T23:09:00.000+08:00

A Merry Christmas to one and all. And now the New Year is just round the corner ; new resolutions, new dreams, new hopes. Hopes for a better future, and a toast that the new year will be a better year for all. Good riddance to natural disasters, particularly in reference to Tsunamis, earthquakes, bird flu and poverty.

"Blue Christmas" would describe year 2005's Christmas perfectly. On a lighter note, there were many meaningful things done though. My birthday is in an hour's time. Perfect test to distinguish who the real friends are. The ones who bothered to remember and carry out that simple act of sending a wish are clearly the friends who have been keeping you in memory.

A birthday is not about glamour, costly gifts or anything superficial. You're organizing the coolest party by the beach, hired DJs, hired bartenders, ordered cartons of booze, sent invitations to the most popular peeps in town, scantily-clad hot girls gonna dirty dance to your party's groovy tunes. And so? The point is? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Because this party wasn't designed for your pleasure. This party was custom-made to compell party animals that you invited. And these strangers whom you "chill out" with are supposedly your real friends? I beg to differ. If the party was some mediocre party without free grog or exotic ambience, I bet the guest figures would drastically decrease.

Its a different story if its a couple of true friends you've got, your girlfriend who's stuck with you since prehistoric time, and your dear family who would be completely enthralled to know that you wanted them to spend your birthday with them. Of course, in some negative cases where true friends, girlfriends or family is scarce, then at least you know that there will be God from heaven who would not miss out on your birthday - cos' He remembers all His children's birthdates.

Sitting by the fireplace on a chilly night. The candle flames softly flickering in the pitch black atmosphere. Chimes of the ancient clock start to play in the background. With closed eyelids and a deep breath, rocking in that dusty old armchair and sipping from the wine glass, you whisper with waning voice "Happy Birthday to me". Shimmering glass smashing onto the velvet floor, the curtain calls. Life saga's swan song. Death is as sweet as Christmas's candy cane.

Andrew has left the building.

Monopoly Tycoon

2005-12-21T19:05:00.000+08:00

A quick bite at a particular outlet hauled in this very random thought to my head. If I could choose to an owner of a certain company, I would choose the F&N Coca-Cola Company.

The lady at the counter asked me which beverage I wanted to have. There were only 3 choices - Coke, Seasons Iced Lemon Tea, and Sprite. I was in no mood for the articifial-tasting Season's lemon tea, neither was I in for a fizzy sugar-water drink(sprite). Coke was my reluctant choice at the end. It was then that it occured to me that we consumers are indirectly "forced" into the choice of beverage that the food company chooses to provide. No matter how you look at it, Coke still maintains its top position in the beverage hierarchy and reigns as the best selling drink worldwide. I mean, seriously, who hasn't drank coke?

Diet Coke - America's solution to obesity problems. Presumably flabby Americans purchase Diet Coke by the cartons, assuming that Diet Coke is this miracle drink which manages to contain obesity. Thus they consume Diet Coke by the exorbitant amounts and still end up, fat. Furthermore the artificial ingredients and chemicals isn't exactly healthy for the human body. Coke itself is already corrosive, Diet Coke? Bad choice.

The one who benefits is the big boss of the F&N company who gets to collect the HUGE proceeds from the sales of his drink. Just imagine all his fat carat diamonds stubbed on his ear and the shiny blings drooping from his pressed Hugo Boss suit. Then he glances at the cumulative frequency curve analysed by his employee, snorts to himself and pipes away on his Havana cigar, sipping from his glass of Dom Perignon. "Yup, this is D life, while you suckers drink my cheap coke."

Losing It

2005-12-20T17:16:00.000+08:00

The joy of Christmas occurs once every year. Unfortunately, it seems that as the years pass by, the enthusiastic ; joyous spirit slowly starts to wane. I reminisce about the good ol' times I used to have at my family's usual Christmas gathering. I was just a green child then. I'd look forward for the clock to strike 12, then us kids would scramble to the huge christmas tree(I was small and christmas trees were tall), hunting for the beautifully-wrapped presents that decorated our names. I recall being thoroughly elated. Mother Earth back then was not imbued with disasters and tragedies. Mother Earth was rid of cynical psychopathic humans who seek joy within the realms of torment. We merely wanted to have Rosemary turkey and champagne together with our loved ones ; Christmas carols softly playing in the background.

It is unfortunate that as we step further into the millenium, catalytic events start to populate. Who's concern is it that Jesus our saviour was born on the 25th of December. Who bothers that Christmas is all about giving and learning how to love. All i receive is probably invitations to have a "good" night out at the clubs - with the purpose to make merry and hook up with someone "hot" in that moment of lust and folly. Christmas does not suck my dear friend, YOU made it look like rotten eggs. YOU ridicule the true spirit of Christmas and mock the intentions of why Christmas is celebrated worldwide. YOU only care that you will return to your sleepy hollow with a handfull of wrapped parcels. Those who don't appreciate the joy of Jesus's birth should not adhere to the custom of exchanging gifts. Christmas shall not be used as a reason to get hitched or blindly exchanging gifts just because you read up on Santa Claus and his escapades as a kid.

Working extra shifts to earn that extra dough on the Christmas season depicts such a ghastly picture. "Sorry I can't attend so-and-so's party because I'm strapped for cash and the public holiday pays well." Give me a break and give yourself one too. I doubt Jesus would be enthralled to know that instead of spiritually celebrating his birthday with him, you are working your ass off not to donate more tithes to church but to fill up your own pockets. Grandma told me that certain members of the family are unable to attend this year's Christmas party. I abhor the thought that people are slowly losing it to the financial stress that the devil had incurred in the society. Once you start to break tradition, the glass will never be clear again ; scratches are all you'll leave. Its not that I'm desperate to have a view of the whole family's face, its just that you can never predict when tragedy strikes and the chances of the once-blissful-gathering will vanish forever.

In this uncertain world, we can expect the unexpected. Deter yourself before the milk is spilt. A life impaled on regrets is certainly not worth living.

White Beauty

2005-12-20T00:45:00.000+08:00

Treading on the whitened snow,
Where sprouts of oaktrees start to grow.
A mother penguin feeds her young,
As her offspring gather one by one.

The beauty of this barren land,
No one can ever comprehend.
If I should pass think this of me,
Soul's unleashed ; set free.

Memories haunting, flashbacks occuring,
Plethora of sepia images flowing.
This is the place I want to be,
All our lives trying to flee.

A glimpse at the panoramic view,
Teardrops, one or two.
Eyelids close into eternal sleep,
Alas, the view is mine to keep.

By : Andrew

(Inspiration just struck, so what the hell, why not write something. Enjoy, blog-readers, comments welcomed. =) )

Enthroned Within My Soul

2005-12-17T00:07:00.000+08:00

The last cell group meeting for year 2005 was a blast. It couldn't have been better. The people, the food, the lessons learnt, they all fit together perfectly like a jigsaw puzzle. We may come from different walks of life, families, culture, but miraculously share the same goal - to make the best out of our Christian life and pledge to be a better child of God.

These people are whom I betroth my respect to. They deserve every inch of it. Its unfortunate that I have to admit they provide much better friendships than some of my other friends. Not because we have the same faith in common, but because actions depict a thousand words. And you thought church friends were just hi-bye and see you for service next week.

I prayed for you today. Shutting my eyes tightly and speaking in other tongues, I prayed for what you wanted to receive on the 19th of December. I know you will achieve great heights because you deserve it ; I witnessed the exorbitant effort you put in. Although we may have our differences and common squabbles, you will still find me at the end of the tunnel, cheering you on. Haha, cheese factor hitting its maximum point now.

Thank you Lord for the countless blessings You have showered upon my life. Thank You for sending true friends despite the fact that it seems like Judgement Day has arrived because of all the catalytic world disasters. Thank You for loving parents although they do have their flaws and also the unnecessary material possessions which I know at times I don't deserve to have. And, thank You Father, for sending me my mortal angel. Forever almighty is the Prince of Peace.

Fresh Pages

2005-12-16T01:08:00.001+08:00

Can't wait for February to arrive. That's when the O level results are revealed. And that's also when I'll be embarking on my new journey of a different educational environment. Whether the outcome of the results are positive or negative, I know I did my best. Although I reckon I'll drown myself with Black Cat or something if I couldn't make it into Junior College.

Wow, my first time paragraphing in this greenhorn-blog. New school, new faces. Its like a chance to start life afresh again. That's if you screwed up before. But being a normal human being, I do have my moments of scandals. I'm no Mr Perfect, I've made unchangeable mistakes as a juvenile. However, the thought of stepping on new blankets of snow is extremely appealing to me. I don't feel a tad upset to leave the bittersweet past behind ; although some may beg to differ because beautiful memories hold them back.

Life has to go on. I'll make the best out of my stay at the new school. "Father, please guide me, I won't screw up like the last time. I'll be a better friend and student towards the new peeps. I'll do mom and dad proud by doing my job to devote attention to academics and aesthetics. I will, I must."

The aroma of Christmas and the New Year flushing in. In a flash, year 2005's days are numbered. So many things. So so many things I never did. So many tasks I failed to complete. So many people I forgot to tell. Tell them how much they meant to me. 2005's been quite a difficult bitch and a pain in the arse. On the contrary, there were good times. Good times with her. Now there's something to smile about. =)

I'm 18 next year? I still thought I was a 10 year old brat. Oh come on, humour me. Alcohol and cigars? NOT. Don't even think about it. Its kickass in the gym and not health-hazardous luxuries.

Queerly, I miss the academic stress. Which is also my top notch reason to enroll in Junior College. Most would take a huge sigh of relief knowing that the big Os are over and done with, but I cannot believe I actually miss all the mugging and late nights. It actually acts as a drive to me ; a goal to achieve for better prospects. No point brooding about it now, especially when the 3 month vacation is robbing me of my daylights. That's the time when lonliness starts to try and harrass. You wake up feeling empty, with no targets to achieve whatsoever. And just to add on to the negative atmosphere, I HATE ; DETEST my birthday. Except for the fact I have a reason to obtain a costly gift from my folks. Its just another damn day. And my birthday's jinxed too, the Tsunami crisis happened on the 26th of December, thats MY birthday for you.

A swift goodbye to 2005, hello 2006. Oh yes, not to mention all the cool UMDs coming out for psp in 2006. Yahoo.
Rats, now where's those Classified pages to look for a job or I can kiss those stuff goodbye.

The Escape Artist

2005-12-14T02:12:00.000+08:00

Running away from troubled waters always seems like an ideal solution. Question is, does it permanently solve the situation? I digress. Recently, pals of mine have caught the "heart-wrench" virus. Makes me wonder if I'll be the next victim. When your situation's completely fine, you wonder how it feels like to be caught in the dumps. And when you're finally consumed into darkness, you scream for help and pray so hard that you'll be out of the hell hole soon. How human nature causes us to take our happy moments for granted ; never counting our blessings. It could be a test of the human emotional system, but more like a suicide test to see who's driven to despair first. But if its compulsory that I go through this vicious cycle, then I choose to gear up and play the game well ; with my rules. Tell me about it, I've been through those emo shit so much That I can still vividly recall the exact feelings of those dark days. Go through that death maze one more time? Absolutely NOT. Reality always hurts for some doesn't it? That's why there's technology to act as a saviour - the cyber world. Play the game ; do anything you please ; its your world to create. Fleeing into the dimensions of the digital realm - does it salvage all the petty problems, or does it only give you the cowardly rank? Well i know of desperates who can't get a girl in their neighbourhood, but they sure take after Hugh Hefner, the playboy legend in certain games designed for the unwanted lads. I think I pondered enough about these weird thoughts, but its roots come from the overrated "escaping painful reality" drama. She's back from her relatively long journey. "No comment" is something I suprisingly feel about her return. The numb ; hollow feelings follow after. Complete dilemma. Being confused with yourself isn't exactly very appealing. This battle between myself and nature is nowhere near its swan song. I will continue to elope, escaping the grasps of reality's negativity, until the day I stumble upon clear acres of white meadow fields, holding the truths and answers I have been in search of. Till then...

Eternal Father

2005-12-11T01:49:00.000+08:00

I may lose everything I own in life. Material objects, friends, family, girls, they may all disappear into obscurity but I know You, my almighty holy Father, will never. This entry is dedicated to the One who will never forsake me even if I am an unworthy sinner. You are looking at me from the gates of heavens, guiding me silently to be a better man. Dying on the cross thousands of years ago for our sins was the most benevolent and self-sacrificing act You could do. You are a God of valour, strength, and most importantly, it is your forgiving heart that can move mountains and exterminate the devil. Alone and bitter, but shutting my eyes and praying in the sound of silence, I realise that lonliness has never occured to me. Awesome Father, the love You have for us is undying and pure. Here I am today, head bowed down in guilt, asking for your mercy and forgiveness prior to all the wrong I have done as a human on Earth. They say nothing lasts forever ; all good things come to an end(cliche I know), but I dare to challenge these quotes, because Jesus my Lord has a relationship with us that will carry on eternally. Its whether we choose to accept the gifts He has bestowed upon us, or choose whether we want to recognise Him as our saviour. I am living evidence that by accepting Him as my Father, life has been more serene and meaningful. Most importantly, never will you feel alone because He never abandons you. I learnt invaluable wisdom from my Father : to love others. This is the toughest obstacle a man can possibly face. Because deep in the hearts of men, there will always be some hatred brewing ; some unfinished scores to settle. Therefore I choose to believe that the act of forgiveness is pure. The word of God tells us that you can say you love Him but hate your brother, and that is considered blasphemy. No one can possibly love God if they hate another human He has created and loved. This set me in deep thought. I claim I have developed hatred for certain people in my life, but if I want to be a step closer to be worthy to Him, I would have to convince myself that all hatred in me shall be forgotten but instead instill forgiveness and love which definitely isn't a piece of cake. I know that by embarking on this obstacle-filled mission, I am guaranteed peace at the finishing line. I end this entry by giving thanks to my Father for his irreplaceable love he has showered upon me. It is everlasting ; all I could possibly require in this lifetime. Amen.

Paranoia

2005-12-08T23:14:00.000+08:00

Is there some character development or alteration class available? A worried person does not equal a happy person. Sometimes there's nothing negative going on but yet my horrid and warped mind will presume there is. Coming back from my usual but excessively lousy run makes me feel at the bottom of the world. The feeling of a lack of oxygen, cease of the brain functioning and pulse rate bursting is something I don't look forward to. I must admit I was never a good runner ; it has never been my forte since kinder age. But at least in the year 2004 I know my stamina and running ability was at its peak. Okay its probably due to the at-least-3-times-a-week gym training that used to be in my regimen. But as soon as the year 2005 arrived - I prefer to call it the "Year of the Lazy Slob" though, I started to waver in gym training or regular runs at the stadium. Even the usual Saturday morning swims became a bleak picture. I was left with my Tennis trainings on Sunday which obviously does not help someone to keep in shape cos its only once a week. I cannot fathom how I have become an AFC(average frustrated chump). I used to recognise the personal trainers and the usual gym freaks but now as I walk in, everyone, and including some machines look foreign to me. Blame it on the O level examinations? It is not a valid reason or excuse. There is NO such thing as "Oh damn, I've got no time." Unless I can confidently say that I have been mugging diligently all year, NOT. And therefore, a disgruntled me would have to go with the "I was simply fat and lazy" reason, which clearly isn't anything to be proud of. To top off to the negative aspects, I also remember instances where I simply sat around and binged. This is unacceptable to me. What poor self control. Even motivational books or health mags couldn't salvage this bad situation. I stare at my tubs of whey protein and creatine realising specks of dust forming on its lid. Now don't play dumb with me, you know what this means. The prospective of continuing to remain the same sickens me. But whoever said it was easy to get back on track. Yes shape up and ship out, any easy way out? NO. I should write down a promise to myself that these 3 months of vacation will be put to lucrative useage. But for starters a replacement for the lost gym membership card should be top priority. Hah.

Stagnant Minutes

2005-12-08T04:45:00.000+08:00

4.47 am, still not crashing yet? Yup. I'm awake and turning my life nocturnal. Melatonin's helpful, but won't I get addicted to it? I don't wanna be reliant on such chemicals. I was sleeping fine till you had to leave on your holy journey. Of course you're in no way responsible for my sleep. What a ghastly way to start a new entry, I thought the firsts' were always positively happy. I refuse to pretend all's bliss just to please public eye. The truth is always pure, isn't it? Hate your texts sometimes. It can be so contradictingly convincing but yet a futile attempt to try and please. I can see through it like clear glass. I wish i couldn't though, so I'll just happily whistle away assuming all's well. Time seems to pass by like a gang of snails climbing hills since that day. I am so afraid to wake up. Its something I don't actually look forward to. Everyone knows when you sleep, your heart, soul and brain takes a break too. Whatever disaster that happened will all come to a standstill when a person sleeps. Mobile phones can be such an evil gadget too. Yeah of course they convenience lives. But they sure irritate me at the wrong time. Waking up to find an empty screen can be so torturing. Or worse still, a buzz from someone insignificant. How this thought is starting to sicken me already! Eat slugs. I hate to bother about you. Who knows you might just come back without your heart. Promises aren't guarantees. Especially when it comes to matters like these. So I am supposed to immaturely accuse you if you don't keep your word? I think I'll be the loser sinking in mud at the end of the day if I blamed you. But of course, people change all the time. And you are in no way indifferent.